It’s not 2019 anymore. The sweet teens are over. Medium is dead.

Who needs social blogging anyway?

We’re not social. We are writers. We prefer a big black box of solitude where nobody will ever find us. You know, like WordPress blogging. The good old days.

Medium…

This community-driven platform was always meant to fail.

I mean, paying writers without selling their soul to and through ads.

Ridiculous.

Who needs that? Not me. Not you. Certainly not Google.

Here’s Medium’s downfall in listicle form:

1. First of all, listicles are evil. Obviously. Medium is full of them.
2. The algorithm hates us all. And especially writers. They’re the worst.
3. Elon is going to buy this place next anyway. Because free speech… duh.
4. Writing on the go?! Totally overrated. This smartphone thing is just a phase. Like feminism. Or veganism. Or abortions. I blame those damn millennials.
5. Lastly, $5 a month to read tens of thousands of stories. You crazy?!?!?! 
   I’d rather pay $50 a month to see nipples on OnlyFans. (Might have been male nipples. Damn scammers. Can’t trust anyone online anymore)

Let’s compare this to the clear winner and king of the future. Substack. Queen, sorry.

The deal:

I’ll send you an email, you give me $5 per month. Or $10, or $15.

Genius!!!

Problem solved. No algorithm. People just do their own recommendations. Why pay for an algorithm? Let the writers do the work. They’d do anything for money. Or for free, really.

Algorithm sounds way too complicated anyway. An email list is all you need.

But wait!

Didn’t Medium add email lists to their repertoire? Well, yes they did.

Too little, too late though. You can’t just copy stuff. That’s not how the internet works.

Anything else?

Oh yea, Substack does podcasts now too. How about that, Medium? What do you have? Oh, we can listen to stories.

Great…

I heard the computer-generated voices yawn.

Substack is conquering video next. I smell YouTube killer. Any plans on that, Ev? No? Didn’t think so. Why start now, right? It’s already too late.

The biggest gurus have left the building. They write on Substack. And they’re selling LinkedIn courses now.

Can’t even make a buck with luring in new Medium writers anymore.

Uh wait, forgot about referrals. Perfect timing. Here, use mine!

But back to LinkedIn. No, Substack. Wait. What was I talking about?

Ah, right. Medium, you suck!

Substack wins. And LinkedIn. Everybody knows that. Stop pretending.

And take that offer from Elon Musk. He’ll make Medium great again. A wall might help.

Peace out ✌️

Hi, I’m Burk, a millennial, vegan meat eating feminist (but male, of course) who likes to write about self-help, politics, and life lessons. And I hate abortions, goes without saying, really.

From time to time, I lend some virgin male tears to Katie Jgln. David Perlmutter is always there to help out with those.

I write on Medium and Substack. I LOVE LinkedIn. I’m so famous, someone was pretending to be me recently.

You can find me on Tinder, OnlyFans, and Twitter, once Elon has established free speech there.

Oh, and buy my course! I almost know what I’m talking about. $$$

In case you didn’t get it, that was sarcasm. All of it. Well, most of it. I won’t tell you what wasn’t.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know how I feel about Medium. It’s my favorite place to write. I do like Substack as well. I enjoy Twitter and I’m looking into LinkedIn. Sorry, no Tinder or OnlyFans. I’m not that cool (or sexy). Also, my wife is already out of my league. Maybe I’ll try TikTok. I guess my kids will teach me soon enough. After all, TikTok is now the most searched website, beating Google search. Crazy ass world we live in. I fear for the next generation.

P.S.: If you enjoy sarcasm, you might want to follow the sarcasm queen on Medium, Katie Jgln.